So who am I? Where did I come from?
First and foremost I am Dragonkin. Proud of it too. The first past revealed to me was that of a dragon, so despite living on Earth why wouldn’t I call myself a dragon? But the first life revealed to me is not the black dragoness I identify as today.
No, the first one was a small arctic dragon, living a life on a planet that would fit right in with just about every generic fantasy book on Earth. Humans, Elves, Dragons, Gryphons and many other creatures you can find in today’s books, movies and games are part of this arctic dragon’s world.
His name? Tsa’kyz Y’lum, but you can call him Ice. His life is a tragic one, albeit with hopeful ups (and even lower downs) and one I am working on getting written out and you can read what I got so far here. Ice was the first for me back in 2005 and caused a shift in my psyche. No longer was I human, or maybe I never was. No longer was I concerned about the workings on this society. No, I wanted to learn more about Ice, I wanted to be a dragon. I wanted to be him. And be him I could. Every night for years I had waking dreams, astral travels and meditations that brought me to his life. I could go back to moments I missed, the memories were there, but I could not go forward. I had to live his life as I lived my life on Earth. But it felt good, it was so good. I was a dragon, this creature of myths! A proud and powerful being that owned both ground and sky.
As more nights were spend, slowly the realisation came to me that this was not a past life. It could not be a past life because of how the memories were coming to me. This was a life that was happening at the same time as the human body I inhabited. A concurrent life. But how? Where did this connection came from? How did this all work? Those are questions I have yet to find an answer for, and I doubt I ever will. Some things just happen, some connections in the universe exist and are made by accident, or on purpose. I have not given up on finding the answer, but I do not actively seek it.
Years went by, Ice lived his life. I lived his life. I watched through him, but I also was able to be him. And with that came all the freedom, all the emotions that are part of being a dragon and finding yourself back in a human body in the morning. Pain, yearning, anger. Why did I have to experience this? Why couldn’t I stay there as Ice? What would happen if I killed myself in this world? Would I end up in Ice and be a dragon forever? Lots of pondering, lots of writing and some were signed with blood. But, luckily we know the outcome because I am telling you this many decades later.
And in that darkness, in the damnation of being human, a glimmer appeared in the corner of my mental eyes. Always out of reach at first, but slowly I started to see a shape darting around, a form in the shadows. It watched me, it judged me and it hated me. A black dragon with eyes like molten rock. A demon? A spirit? Why was it here, what did it want from me? Why was I seeing another dragon when crossing the veil between the physical and the astral realms? Time passed and it kept watching me, but it also slowly got closer. It introduced itself as Akir’Ischa to me. I started to see memories of a different life than that of Tsa’kyz Y’lum. A different world, one without true civilisation. A world of dragons, of feral instinct and sapient understanding of a society. Of kin, love and loss. Until the truth was shown to me through a dream or maybe it was an out of body experience. Ice was not my life to live, nor was Akir’Ischa’s. I was Akir’s life to live. The part of my soul that had always been here, was Akir’Ischa. Tsa’kyz Y’lum’s life was a fault, a welcome one by now for me, but a fault nonetheless. His soul was never meant to connect with mine, it was meant to live its own life as I had done until my awakening, until the connection. Akir’Ischa was supposed to be the one to awaken me in this life. Another mystery is why that took so long. How it was possible that Ice’s soul found a way to touch me first, but Akir eventually managed to find me and with it, my soul. And it felt natural. That dragoness lurking in the shaodws felt as if I was looking in a mirror, but I now had 2 dragons to keep track off. Twice the emotions, twice the yearning and twice the amount of memories. And it hurt me bad. Until one night the connection to Ice got shut down. No final goodbye through a visit, no last flight. It hurt, but it also gave me relief. Tsa’kyz Y’lum was the first, but Akir’Ischa is who I am after all. I do not know if I closed the connection myself, or if something from above did for me. But it gave me time to settle more into who I truly was, who Akir’Ischa was.
And with that came floods of memories a past life. And I wrote, starting with The Chronicles. And I kept writing which resulted in The Obsidian Book. Some memories can’t be written down though and some don’t want to. Some only come forward when a specific topic or word gets mentioned and others stay with you for the rest of your life, always present no matter what you are doing on Earth. So I keep writing.
And so I lived my life, so Akir’Ischa lived this life. We became I and I thought that was all to it. I was still Dragonkin. And for a long time, that’s exactly how things stayed. But the path of self-discovery isn’t smooth and straight. And although you can get off the beaten path, you can’t run away from yourself. Years passed and the dragon that I was stirred deep in me. It was time to reveal more.
And that’s where this journey starts to become bigger, and with that my insecurity about who I am. Beyond the draconic life that I remembered, there were a few others. Most are nothing more than flashes of a memory and a faint longing. But pieces of the puzzle that is my soul started to fall in place and connect to each other. And in particular the one that tied my draconic life and the after it together turned out to be interesting and has been written down as a continuation of The Chronicles named The Black Constellation.
A life that started with the dead of my draconic body, but also a deal that was made during it. I had already challenged death as a dragon, but was given a second chance. 8 other dragons (fire, water, earth, air, spirit, moon, sun and light) that presented themselves as guardians offered me a return. My part of The Agreement was to become part of their circle and keep watch as the 9th, as the shadow. Upon my last breath I ascended into the sky. But not to another world, no. I took a place between the stars. Because despite my earlier belief that right after my draconic life I had ended up in this human one, a period of time was spend among the cosmos.The astral, the stars and the galaxies. A life between the light as I became one with the dark matter that inhabits the universe. I do not know much about what I did, or why I was there, but it was a peaceful existence. I was watching, I was part of everything, but also not at all. I was the black no one sees when they gaze up at the stars. I was the dark that stretches the light. I was not evil, I wasn’t part of some plan. I was simply being. That is my biggest fear come true. This idea that I am not just a dragon, but I am also an omnipresent entity that was operating in the dark of the universe. A celestial dragon that looked down on the planet I had just ascended from and decided to not move on to a new life, but instead keep watch and observe. And realising that as more time passes on Earth, I feel more connected to that side of me. More pieces of the puzzle around me click into place with a dark matter surrounding me. As if this deal I had made has not been paid back in full yet. That I am hiding from those who seek me, upon Earth. Maybe that is why it took so long for Akir’Ischa to show up, maybe that is why my soul always felt like it was detached from me that is typing this, as if belonging to something far greater than I can imagine. A deeper or higher level I simply can not understand with this brain.
And that scares me, because I have always been highly sceptical of my own findings and emotions. I never asked for this. I never wanted to awaken as a dragon in this life. Before it happened, I didn’t feel draconic at all. But after a multitude of decades, I’m glad it happened. Yes, there have been downsides. The yearning, the pain of wanting a different body, but I’ve found the good in this as well. I found others like me. I’ve connected with them, formed friendships and relationships. I’ve gained new insights and ways of seeing the world, and for that, I’m grateful.
I know my journey will have its pauses, and I shouldn’t be afraid of those moments when it feels like nothing is happening. I’ve been lucky with the memories I’ve been given and the knowledge I’ve gained about my concurrent and past lives. My spiritual journey will continue when it’s meant to. I have faith in myself to discover what I need to navigate this life, balancing my time here on Earth with my memories.
There’s no need to be afraid or constantly question myself. I’ve done plenty of that already and will continue to do so when necessary.
But, despite always supporting and helping others with theirs, even encouraging them to dive deeper into it, I dare to doubt my own experience. And at the same time I have the realisation that as time continues, I will grow into this newfound part of my soul. I know I don’t have to do anything for it, I know I don’t have to act different or be different than who I am now. But that path of self-discovery that is unwinding itself before me starts to crumble as the fabrics of reality are breaking and the void of space reveals itself. And diving off a cliff into the dark below, is always scary. Luckily I have wings.
So who am I? I will always be Dragonkin. But there might be more to that word than I thought.